The owner of a grey cat (jennielf) wrote,
The owner of a grey cat

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Life Updates.

When I was a kid (7ish) I was diagnosed with ADD and immediately put on Ritalin. I took Ritalin until I was 16ish when I refused to take it anymore.

I went through college and got into my early 20s without any major issues, thinking I was doing ok and handling my attention disorder (especially when studying and so forth). It was hard, but I was doing ok, I was getting decent grades, etc.

Sometime after college (and after a couple of severe experiences), I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression. So, now I was stuck with taking medication for the rest of my life (or be suicidal). I accepted the whole theory of my brain doesn't make a certain chemical, its similar to diabetes and insulin, blah blah blah. (And I read several papers/anecdotes that inferred that many times childhood ADD can morph into adult Depression.)

A few years ago, as I struggled to find my place in the world (which I was repeatedly failing at) I and my current psychiatrist re-looked at the ADD/ADHD diagnosis. Was it still vaild? The answer was most likely yes. This made me very frustrated. I was prescribed a couple different medications before settling on generic Adderall taken a couple times a day. I was not happy with taking a stimulant, but I did recognize the possible need.

Fast forward a couple of years. I hate Adderall. It made my heart go into palpitations and occasionally makes me shake significantly. I take it only when I absolutely have to at work.

I went to the psychiatrist yesterday. He recommended Welbutrin. *sigh* Just the idea that I have to take a medication to function at work correctly (did I mention my performance at work has been suffering lately?) makes me feel....pissed off at myself. I still feel as though the ADD is somehow my fault and that if I just did the right thing in the right way my brain would be normal. I hate always being scattered and distracted. But if this helps, then I guess thats good, right? right?
Tags: life

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