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at a loss

I am at a loss in my personal life. I thought going up to Atlanta would help and it sorta did but at the same time it didnt. I feel despised by my roommates becasue I feel lost and betrayed by their decision to hook up as a couple. They are adults, they can do what they want, however, i think both of them are at points in their lives where they do not need to be in relationships, the fact that they are together in the same house, just makes me all shades of uncomfortable.
We had moved in as sisters. I honestly considered them my sisters and trusted them with my heart. I feel like I am now cut out of the majority of household life and that my trust in them has been betrayed. I am also frustrated taht they cannot seem to see my point of view and that they do not understand why this situation might concievably make me uncomfortable.
I was hoping that the trip to Atlanta would have a calming effect on my position and I would be able to reboot into a point of view that would be more helpful than hurtful. As usual, I failed on that aspect. My heart has been broken, I feel betrayed and yet it is still someohow my fault that I feel this way. I no longer feel like I can relate to them as sisters. I feel cut off.
We have decided taht I need to start back at square one and restart as roommates. The trust needs to be rebuilt. The love needs to be reconnected with the new relationship figured in. I hate feeling alone in a house that I used to feel included in.
I think its because they didnt understand taht there was a third person in the sisterhood that might have been effected by their actions or that she might take things so personally.
I still love them as friends. they are wonderful people and I hold no ill will against them (although, that may not be clear to them at this point (they think im "insane" over this), i just wish things could be as they were, I dont understand why they felt they needed to hook up. I feel as though somehow my sistership was not good enough. Of course, from their point of view, nothing changed, and they dont understand why i feel this way. Lots of tears have been shed over this issue (sadly, most of them mine). I feels as though its as if they dont understand that their actions really do have reprecussions on other people (and that though they may have not felt awkward in a similar situation, they dont understand that I do.).
So, we start from a new begining. I had sisters. I lost them. I am now living with very good friends that recently hooked up and needed a roommate to help with the bills.

I want to reiterate that I hold them no ill will and I do not want to seem like I am attacking. If it does, I apologize. I just needed to get all of this down and out of my head to clear it so i can move on in the new situation.

Comments

( 3 Tummy Rubs — Pet Angela? )
tyleet1047
Sep. 18th, 2006 03:52 pm (UTC)
in a word: suckfest.

so are these roomies the LJ groupies you were telling me about?
strange_kittie
Sep. 18th, 2006 04:30 pm (UTC)
Elf: I love you. We will get thru this. Please do not put words in my mouth. We didn't decide anything. You decided that you need to start off anew as roommates. Also - I never called you insane. I mean hello - that would a total pot/kettle situation!! In my heart - you are not here as a roommate and someone to help with bills!! You are my sister and my dear friend and I enjoy sharing my life with you. That has not changed. Not to me.

xoxox
Moon
mamma_fire_bear
Sep. 18th, 2006 09:27 pm (UTC)
*hugs*
that is all I can say
( 3 Tummy Rubs — Pet Angela? )